Dear Vixen:
Sleep. I stay up all night. I don't get sleepy until 4:00, don't FALL asleep until 5:00 and then I get up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon. This would not be a problem EXCEPT . . . I am missing out on auditions (I'm an actress) because I can't haul my a** out of bed!
How can I get on a more, uh, “responsible" daytime schedule? I've been on owl-time since college. But now it is screwing up my career. Help!— Literally Sleepless in Seattle
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People will tell you that the world is divided into dog people and cat people. Or into optimists and pessimists. Or into iPhone enthusiasts and BlackBerry lovers.
Those people are wrong.
There are really only two types of people in the world: early birds and night owls. While early birds are perky and annoying, it’s a well-known fact that night owls are artistic and highly creative. Don’t ask me to cite my sources—obvious truths don't require substantiation!
Unfortunately, we live in an early-bird world. For some reason, people who have already exercised, eaten breakfast, vacuumed and watered the plants by 8:30a are considered superior to their saner, less frenetic night-owl counterparts, who live quite happily never knowing that there are two 8:30s in a day. The only rational explanation for this is that we are descended from Pilgrims who, in addition to being puritanical, were also the kind of people who stole land from Native Americans and burned “witches” at the stake.
For a quick fix, to make it to your upcoming auditions, you need to stay up for 24 hours—preferably at home, so you don’t hurt yourself—and then go to sleep at 10p the following night. To maintain an unnatural early-bird schedule, you want to think about things like daily exercise (finishing before 7p), no caffeine after noon, limited alcohol intake, and pasta for dinner.
But never forget that you are actually a wise night owl who is merely masquerading as an early bird. You possess secret knowledge about the virtues of arriving later, which early birds will never fathom:
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Photo credit: “Owl Lantern” by Mathieu Jarry, used under a Creative Commons license.
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