Dear Vixen:
How far would you go for someone that you love, whether that person be a sibling, a parent, a lover, or a close friend? Would you love someone so much that you give them as much love as you want to give even though you know that their love for you may not be as strong?
I think it's safe to say that most people feel that they would never love someone more than they can get back. I used to say that but I've recently realized that I'm not getting as much love back as I'm putting in with more than one of my relationships.
I love my father more than he loves me or is willing to admit but I still give him all that I can give.
My friends are important to me and I treat them as such, but I'm also sure that I am being taken for granted.
I've been in love with a wonderful man for the past year and a half. It's recently come to my attention that he's realized that he's still in love with his ex. He doesn't believe that he will get back together with her, but it hurts to know that I don't completely have his heart.
ANYWHO, am I doing the right thing by sticking around while he goes through the mourning process that he obviously never went through almost two years ago when they broke up?
Should I continue to love my friends and give as much as I give?
Should I continue to show my love for my father and continue to shrug off the resentment that I know he has for me (long story)?
I've always felt that a girl should be true to her heart. If she feels something then she should show it. I'm 23 years old—is it time for me to place the walls up that I see so many women develop?
— Amanda
Dear Amanda —
Did you know that your name means “She who ought to be loved”? Which is an amazing thought! And it also gives pause for thought, since it implies that there must be people who don’t deserve to be loved.
You are not one of those people. You clearly have a big heart with lots of love, kindness and attention to give. And somehow it has begun to dawn on you that your efforts frequently seem either unappreciated or unwelcome.
I get that you love your unloving father, and that simply walking away from him doesn't feel like an option. And your boyfriend probably does love you, but in a way that keeps him from fully committing to you. And yes, your friends are takers, and are likely never there for you as you're there for them.
I hear you.
And I have to ask: What do all these relationships have in common? You know the answer: YOU.
While the immediate problem is that others fail to love you as they should, the larger issue is that you don't yet fully value yourself and what you have to offer in all of your relationships. So instead of asking whether you should keep on loving these people, ask yourself whether you are first offering yourself as much love as you offer to others.
You are “She who ought to be loved!" And it begins with you.
So love the people in your life, if you feel you must for some reason, but at the same time try to add more love for yourself into the equation. Because if you can succeed in doing that, then eventually the people who don't love you quite enough will fall away, while the many people who are truly available to love you will be drawn to you.
There are all kinds of reasons why this is true. But for now, try treating the idea as a working theory and test it out for yourself. It won't happen right away, but bit-by-bit you'll be amazed at how much your life changes for the better. And you'll be so happy that you didn't just settle for whatever other people felt like giving.
__________________________
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Photo credit: “LOVE” by StreetFly JZ via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
Twittering vixenish things @WriterVixen
