True fact: I have an opinion on just about everything.
It’s also true that I’m not shy about sharing my opinions with other people, even if they haven’t yet realized that they’re dying to know what I think. In fact, it’s often those who fail to ask who most clearly need the benefit of my extraordinary insights. So how can I resist when someone actually asks for my opinion on a personal dilemma?
Although this isn’t technically an advice column, I’m happy to give it a try. Lucy van Pelt doled out psychiatric advice to Charlie Brown for “5 cents please,” so 25 cents seems about right when adjusted for inflation. In the spirit of the Writer Vixen motto (“Often wrong but never in doubt”), I offer the following questionable advice with complete conviction. No refunds.
FOUND MONEY
Hi Vixen —
You say that you “explain it all” and it’s true—you usually do a pretty good job of explaining things that it’s never even occurred to me to wonder about. Do you take requests? Because there’s something I need explained. And trying to figure it out is making my brain hurt.
Let’s say that hypothetically speaking you have a mortal enemy who is also a worthless putz who has screwed you over repeatedly. Let’s also say that this soulless cretin has more money than God while you, gentle soul, subsist on a combination of Spam and free mall food court samples. Let’s say, hypothetically, that one day this self-absorbed arse-wipe drops a large wad of cash on the street while there are no other people around. Do you . . .
a) Pick it up and rush over to him exclaiming, “Hey, worthless putz, you just dropped this wad of cash?” Or do you . . .
b) Casually snatch up the moolah and then skip away like Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion singing, “He lost his friggin’ money / What a wonderful day this is!”
I’m usually a very honest person (for instance, I tell stores when I have been given too much change). If the putz were a decent human being, I’d totally return the money.
— Rob
First, are you absolutely positive that the putz isn’t a leprechaun? Because it’s a well-documented fact that Irish elves, though cute, are astonishingly humorless, and taking their stash of cash will set you up for a world of pain. Even though we’re speaking hypothetically, it’s just common sense to state the obvious right up front.
Out of curiosity, I asked around to see what others would do and the answers were pretty evenly divided. About half said Karma’s a bitch, he had it coming: keep the money. And the other half said Karma’s a bitch, don’t ruin yours: give it back. And a couple of people mentioned that getting his money back might inspire him to be a better person.
All of these things may in fact be true. But here’s another true thing: this isn’t about what kind of person he is, it’s about what kind of person you are. You’re a gentle soul, a basically honest person, a decent human being. Whatever advantages the putz may seem to enjoy, you possess something priceless that he will never have: You know who you are and what you stand for in the world. Keeping the money won’t hurt him, but it may harm your own sense of pride and well-being in ways that you don’t anticipate.
Of course, there is another karmic alternative: donate the money to a charity he hates, in his name. Imagine his consternation at receiving a thank-you note from Planned Parenthood or the National Abortion Rights Action League, if he's a (so-called) pro-lifer. Even better, once you get on the donor list for any non-profit organization, they stalk you as relentlessly as a leprechaun tracking down his pot of gold. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Hypothetically.
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Photo credit: "Pot of Gold" by Jeremy Schultz via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
Twittering vixenish things @WriterVixen
